....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
