You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
