I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
