I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
