if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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