Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
