it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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