this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize