From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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