I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
