pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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