The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
