I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
