You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
