u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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