gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
