I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
