I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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