I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize