Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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