Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
