I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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