my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i barfeds in our rink
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
