shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
