While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
