My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
