I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
