I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, beer. Big fan.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
