If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
