she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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