Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
