You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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