Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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