Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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