I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
