if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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