She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
