Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
