My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
