I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
