Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
