I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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