Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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