My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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