I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
