lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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