i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
