I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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