I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why did my mother make you get naked?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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