my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize