Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
