I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
