i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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