Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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