After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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