I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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