I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
