I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize