You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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