Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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